Mrs M
yoda76A BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW
December 15th 2008 01:20
I copped my first “I Hate You” yesterday. My cherry has been popped. My five year old son Alex spat I hate you at me in the car on the way home.
You see it all started when he asked if we could borrow a game from the local video shop. I said yes and he was happy. But as we were walking to the car he was shouting at the top of his lungs. Nothing in particular; he was just being loud. So I asked him to lower his voice because the neighbours didn’t want to hear him.
“Okay mum” he said begrudgingly.
And then under his breath he whispered, “dumb dumb”.
It stopped me in my tracks. I was a little upset…angry if you will. I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve that.
So I turned to him and said, “Excuse me? Did you just call me dumb dumb? Is that really a nice thing to say to me? You can forget about that game from the video shop”.
“Noooo!!!” he shouted at me.
“Is calling me dumb dumb a nice thing to say?”
“No” he said in a quieter voice but still mad as hell.
“Well if you can’t be nice to me then I’m not going to do nice things for you”.
“That’s not fair” he shouted. “I HATE YOU!”
And there it was.
I wasn’t entirely surprised when he said it. I could see it coming by the way the conversation was going and how mad Alex was.
And at the time it didn’t sting very much. Mainly because I was angry too; and anger has a way of putting up a defensive wall against emotions.
I also realize that Alex probably didn’t mean it. He doesn’t yet have a great command of the English language so he just grasped for the only words he knew to express how he felt in that minute. Are we buying that?
Anyway, I’m not mad at him. I’m a little sad that he felt mad enough to say it but that’s something I’ll have to deal with.
At least he speaks his mind and I know exactly where I stand with him.
Last night before bed time I was doing the usual ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ spiel when I picked up piece of paper off my seven year old daughter’s floor.
“Jordan, stop throwing rubbish on the floor. You have a bin, use it please,” I said… in what I have to admit was not a nice tone.
I unwrapped the piece of paper and read something that wasn’t meant for my eyes. Unlike Alex, Jordan vents by writing notes.
And I don’t know if this is irony or what, but the one thing that Jordan does that bugs me is that she leaves things lying around. And I get upset with her about it. So she vents by writing it on a piece of paper that she leaves lying around.
This is hurting my mind but logic dictates that if she followed my ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ theory then I would never have found the note. Having said that, if she followed my theory then I wouldn’t be getting upset at her as much as I have been….which then means she wouldn’t have written the note.
But back to the note - it blindsided me. Unlike Alex’s ‘I hate you’ spat, I didn’t expect or see this coming.
Now I won’t tell you what the note said because I wasn’t supposed to have read it, so out of respect for Jordan I won’t share it with you all. She still doesn’t know I’ve read it. After I read the note I quickly folded it up again and asked her if she wanted to keep the note or was it rubbish?
“It’s rubbish”, she said. “Throw it in the bin”.
A part of me was a little relieved. Was the fact that she wanted to throw it away a sign that she didn’t really mean what she wrote; just how she felt in that moment… much like Alex.
At least I hope so. Again, I didn’t get mad but it did make me sad.
When Alex is mad you know about it; making it easy to recognize and easier to deal with it. When Jordan is mad she quietly vents by writing it down. I hope I don’t miss something with her.
So this is a life lesson… and bitter pill to swallow.
You see it all started when he asked if we could borrow a game from the local video shop. I said yes and he was happy. But as we were walking to the car he was shouting at the top of his lungs. Nothing in particular; he was just being loud. So I asked him to lower his voice because the neighbours didn’t want to hear him.
“Okay mum” he said begrudgingly.
And then under his breath he whispered, “dumb dumb”.
It stopped me in my tracks. I was a little upset…angry if you will. I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve that.
So I turned to him and said, “Excuse me? Did you just call me dumb dumb? Is that really a nice thing to say to me? You can forget about that game from the video shop”.
“Noooo!!!” he shouted at me.
“Is calling me dumb dumb a nice thing to say?”
“No” he said in a quieter voice but still mad as hell.
“Well if you can’t be nice to me then I’m not going to do nice things for you”.
“That’s not fair” he shouted. “I HATE YOU!”
And there it was.
I wasn’t entirely surprised when he said it. I could see it coming by the way the conversation was going and how mad Alex was.
And at the time it didn’t sting very much. Mainly because I was angry too; and anger has a way of putting up a defensive wall against emotions.
I also realize that Alex probably didn’t mean it. He doesn’t yet have a great command of the English language so he just grasped for the only words he knew to express how he felt in that minute. Are we buying that?
Anyway, I’m not mad at him. I’m a little sad that he felt mad enough to say it but that’s something I’ll have to deal with.
At least he speaks his mind and I know exactly where I stand with him.
Last night before bed time I was doing the usual ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ spiel when I picked up piece of paper off my seven year old daughter’s floor.
“Jordan, stop throwing rubbish on the floor. You have a bin, use it please,” I said… in what I have to admit was not a nice tone.
I unwrapped the piece of paper and read something that wasn’t meant for my eyes. Unlike Alex, Jordan vents by writing notes.
And I don’t know if this is irony or what, but the one thing that Jordan does that bugs me is that she leaves things lying around. And I get upset with her about it. So she vents by writing it on a piece of paper that she leaves lying around.
This is hurting my mind but logic dictates that if she followed my ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ theory then I would never have found the note. Having said that, if she followed my theory then I wouldn’t be getting upset at her as much as I have been….which then means she wouldn’t have written the note.
But back to the note - it blindsided me. Unlike Alex’s ‘I hate you’ spat, I didn’t expect or see this coming.
Now I won’t tell you what the note said because I wasn’t supposed to have read it, so out of respect for Jordan I won’t share it with you all. She still doesn’t know I’ve read it. After I read the note I quickly folded it up again and asked her if she wanted to keep the note or was it rubbish?
“It’s rubbish”, she said. “Throw it in the bin”.
A part of me was a little relieved. Was the fact that she wanted to throw it away a sign that she didn’t really mean what she wrote; just how she felt in that moment… much like Alex.
At least I hope so. Again, I didn’t get mad but it did make me sad.
When Alex is mad you know about it; making it easy to recognize and easier to deal with it. When Jordan is mad she quietly vents by writing it down. I hope I don’t miss something with her.
So this is a life lesson… and bitter pill to swallow.
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Comment by Waysouth
Romantic Writer
Given To Gaming
Waysouth
Spanish Honduras
Anyway, at one point in our long discussion about the issue, she said if I didn't pay her back, she was going to break my pinkie finger. Over $1.50. I laughed, I couldn't help it. I paid her back.
Comment by alt_ed
Alted Opinion
ArtCombat
The Inner Saintdom
It's often easier to hate or be nasty to the people who love you the most cos you know they will forgive you. Does it make it right? No! But it is a part of growing up I guess.
Just think, the best is yet to come (I mean 5 & 7... just imagine what little buddles of joy they'll be at 15 & 17!
Actually, hate speech aside, it sounds like you're raising some pretty good kids.
alt_ed
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
*HUGS* I know I have no human children (and heres a great reason why) but I think this is just the beginning of hate talk....Im 26 and I still say it. Heres the scary thing -
I used to do what Jordan does. I intended for Mum to read the notes - it was the exact same cycle you describe, and I left them around because I knew she'd find them. I was expecting a big reaction - for her to broach a subject, start an argument that I just couldnt, but had to get out of my system. I bet Jordans just mystified right now that you didnt explode. My mum used to do the same thing - "keeping this or rubbish?" and chuck it without even looking at it. Now that made me angry. If you arent going to read my little hate notes how the hell am I supposed to communicate?
The hating parents gig has to start sooner or later...And the good thing about family members is they cant really mean it completely. It reminds me of horse training a bit - every horse has to have his tantrum. Whether its fear, anger or just a childish tantrum, they have to DO it so they can get on with it.
Comment by Sara Dobson
Parents Precinct
My Turn
I think you dealt with that "I hate you" very well. Kids don't know what they are saying.
I am intrigued about the note too. Again I think you dealt with it well.
You are a good mum. A lot of people like my parents think children are just small adults that have logical adult thoughts. They don't though, so you have to swallow that hurt.
I hope I am that calm and rational when my daughter starts talking back like that.
Comment by Ahmed
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Cinema Three
She panicked and not wanting you to read it told you it was rubbish.
Comment by Janet Collins
Acceptable Etiquette
The Social Critic
Janet Collins Blog
Well dealt with Mum.
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
Words often spoken by young children; if they mean it or not, they still say it in a flash of anger. I'm pretty sure I was a kid more recently than you were, and having always had massive anger problems, I can tell you I said those words oft when I didn't mean them. As the kid grows older they will come to realize just how strong the word hate really is, and once they can do that, they won't say it anymore.
*Hugs* As for the notes-it's not meant for you to see. A lot of that is venting, a lot of that isn't meant in the long run; it just needs to get out, and in the end a note that isn't seen is often better than the angry yelling of the words 'I hate you'.
But you can't win all the time, and you can't expect them to always be happy with you.
~Dianna
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
First thing in my mind, dont take it personally okay? One has to become very thick skinned to be a parent, or one will suffer immeasurably.
Two things I always remind myself to achieve this;
1. You only hurt the ones you love (the most)... because you feel comfortable enough to be honest with them, and
2. We dont own our children; we are only in their lives as guides and caretakers.
These two things have kept me fairly sane. *twitch*
Chin up!
Lilla ...
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
What absolute toads kiddies can be, but you know, by being a mum, that all kids do this to their parents, particularly their mumsy!
My eldest brother was a classic. His grandmother, a stern authoritarian old Victorian type, (children were seen but not heard) had badgered my eldest brother for ages to say something to her. She knew he had just started to speak, so she wanted her own 'moment', that she could boast about at the Sunday church gathering, or some other borish gathering of backwater socialites. Eventually she got her wish, at the wee age of three I think he was, he said his first word to his grandmother...
"BLOW UP!!" My brother's only words for his grandmother, for some years hence, said while standing on the fireplace hearth, with gusto, as my family was subsequently informed.
I blame my brother for the fact that we were never made to feel particularly welcome when visiting my grandmother's gloomy home, with its unplayed piano in its own room, and the sitting rooms, where we never saw anyone sit...
I had an idea, on how to teach your eldest child some introspection... had you kept the note she wrote, you could have given it back, opened yet crumpled, in a gift box, as the last present for Christmas, and not say anything about it... I know, how passive aggressive of me, but, it just might make her ponder upon embracing forgiveness, developing understanding and compassion and being a little less judgemental and selfish?
Or, maybe corporal punishment might work? (just joking...)
Anyway,
Merry Christmas to you and your family and may 2009 bring you much happiness.
cheers
fog
P.S. You could also have included in the extra present with her crumpled note, the post you did on worrying about getting your kids to their various activities....just as a small memory jog...hehe!
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Break your pinkie over $1.50. Wouldn't charging interest be better?
Hi alt_ed,
I blow up at home because it's the safe zone. No-one's going to fire me from my job here now are they.
As for when they're 15 and 17 well...I'm sure the arguments will be more colourful.
Hi Kleo,
You know I never thought of it that way. But you could be onto something because Jordan really isn't the confrontational kind. Food for thought there Kleo.
Hi Sara,
I attribute my 'calm' nature to taking a breath and counting to 10 before responding. Otherwise we'd all be in a lot more trouble
Hi Ahmed,
Hi Janet,
I didn't really know how to deal with it. Ignore it and it will go away?
Hi Dianna,
Great comment. I like it.
I know we're not always supposed to be happy to be around each other which makes this easier to deal with. I was under no illusion. I do think families living together is only a temporary thing...even if it is a 20 year temporary thing.
I know that I could never live with my siblings and parents again. But that doesn't mean that I won't be out of bed if I ever get a 3am phone call for help.
I still get plenty of hugs from the kids which helps.
Hi Lilla,
It didn't sting as much as child birth so I'm okay
My parents (and others from their time) look upon their kids as property. When I was little the first thing I was always asked was not my name but "whose was I?" And I would have to give my dad's name...and then mine.
If I ever told my dad that I hated him I would be in so much trouble for disrespecting him.
It is with some comfort that my son feels comfortable enough to let me know how he's feeling without thinking I'm going to disown him or something.
Thick skinned? Getting thicker by the minute.
Hi Fog,
What a great story. I have family with houses like that.
I did keep the note with the intention of giving it back to her when she was an adult. But I like your passive aggressive tactics. There is something a little satisfying about passive aggressive moves.
However...
Your story actually reminded me about my maternal grandmother. She lived in Greece and we visited her for the first time when I was five.
Anyway, I was the kind of kid who was very attached to my mother. I wanted to be with her and only wanted her to do things for me because only she knew how to do them just the way I like it.
**The rest is my sister's version of the story""
When we were at my grandmother's house I yelled "Mum, can you get me my milk?"
"I"m getting it for you", replied my grandmother.
Apparently I then told her to shut up in English. She didn't understand and apparently my brother and sister lied to my grandmother about what I had said.
I don't remember every not liking her but I do remember being very attached to my mother.
Anyway, my grandmother died before I could visit her in Greece again and I have to say that I do feel bad.
I hope you had a great Christmas Fog and a great New Year!
Thanks everyone for the comments.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
I am sure your Grandmother forgave you, once she entered the spirit world.
And I also hope you have a great New Year with lots of luck!
cheers
fog
Comment by Lachy
Bit late, and I know I'm yet to be a parent, so what do I know. I was an introverted kid though, so maybe I do. I reckon a good solution would be to wait until you've had a chance to settle down and then try to talk out a positive resolution.
In my opinion Jordan either wanted you to find the note and now her frustrations are even more frustrated (as the poster above said) or didn't want you to find the note and was worried after you did (Or both at once). When I was that age similar worries festered, because I couldn't resolve them without help.
But, you've gotta be pretty big to manage it. Don't show them any weakness! I was ruthless when my parents handed me a stick to belt them with!
L
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
It's tricky...definitely tricky. Well I didn't end up mentioning the note....(the elephant in the room) but I just made a conscious decision to begin treating her more like an adolescent than a child. The biggest surprise I suppose is that she is a lot wiser than I gave her credit for I suppose. It kind of just sneaks up on you. I got so used to making most of her decisions for her that I didn't realise that she is capable of making more decisions for herself thus taking more responsibility for herself.
I'm a warrior, I show no weakness
Love & stuff
Mrs M