Mrs M
yoda76MOMENTS, CHOICES AND PEOPLE
October 18th 2007 02:53
This post follows on from myWHO WAS A BIGGER INFLUENCE – PARENTS OR SIBLINGS?
Lilla, Bernadette and Lidia all brought up interesting points about how in fact influences you and what shapes you.
When I first became a parent I started to read all those parenting books but all that did was highlight my flaws, or more to the point my parents flaws which in turn have affected me; and that’s a little depressing.
No-body is perfect or without “issues” and no parent is perfect; try as I might I’m going to make mistakes and my kids with have their own “issues”.
The exercise here really is to try and minimize any damage I might do; by acknowledging my shortcomings and see what I can do to overcome them. Knowledge is power and I’d rather not perpetuate some of the less than desirable parenting styles that furnished my parents and their parents before them.
Now this got me thinking about something Dr Phil had said. Let me just say I don’t regularly look to Dr Phil for guidance but he did say something once that pricked my ears up.
The following is an excerpt from Dr Phil’s website.
Lilla, Bernadette and Lidia all brought up interesting points about how in fact influences you and what shapes you.
When I first became a parent I started to read all those parenting books but all that did was highlight my flaws, or more to the point my parents flaws which in turn have affected me; and that’s a little depressing.
No-body is perfect or without “issues” and no parent is perfect; try as I might I’m going to make mistakes and my kids with have their own “issues”.
The exercise here really is to try and minimize any damage I might do; by acknowledging my shortcomings and see what I can do to overcome them. Knowledge is power and I’d rather not perpetuate some of the less than desirable parenting styles that furnished my parents and their parents before them.
Now this got me thinking about something Dr Phil had said. Let me just say I don’t regularly look to Dr Phil for guidance but he did say something once that pricked my ears up.
The following is an excerpt from Dr Phil’s website.
According to Dr. Phil, you can trace who you've become in this life to three types of external factors: 10 defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. But first it's important to understand the following terms:
Ten Defining Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event.
Seven Critical Choices: There are a surprisingly small number of choices that rise to the level of life-changing ones. Critical choices are those that have changed your life, positively or negatively, and are major factors in determining who and what you will become. They are the choices that have affected your life up to today, and have set you on a path.
Five Pivotal People: These are the people who have left indelible impressions on your concept of self, and therefore, the life you live. They may be family members, friends or co-workers, and their influences can be either positive or negative. They are people who can determine whether you live consistently with your authentic self, or instead live a counterfeit life controlled by a fictional self that has crowded out who you really are.
Ten Defining Moments: In every person's life, there have been moments, both positive and negative, that have defined and redefined who you are. Those events entered your consciousness with such power that they changed the very core of who and what you thought you were. A part of you was changed by those events, and caused you to define yourself, to some degree by your experience of that event.
Seven Critical Choices: There are a surprisingly small number of choices that rise to the level of life-changing ones. Critical choices are those that have changed your life, positively or negatively, and are major factors in determining who and what you will become. They are the choices that have affected your life up to today, and have set you on a path.
Five Pivotal People: These are the people who have left indelible impressions on your concept of self, and therefore, the life you live. They may be family members, friends or co-workers, and their influences can be either positive or negative. They are people who can determine whether you live consistently with your authentic self, or instead live a counterfeit life controlled by a fictional self that has crowded out who you really are.
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Comment by yoda76
The Tube Blog
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Like him or not these concepts are well researched and have psychological clout!. His book his pretty good. The book reads exactly how he talks....very unadorned.
Mis
Comment by pammy
great post
pammy
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Insighful
Hi Mis,
I don't dislike Dr Phil, I wouldn't just listen to him only...if you know what I mean.
He does seem to make sense and breaks things down into simple terms.
Hi Pammy,
I'm 33 and my parents still impact me. Probably more than my parents do.
Thanks for the visit and the comments.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by pammy
apart from i think i was mostly influenced by my best friend, and her mum!? how does that work since i've only know my best friend for 4 years and her mum 4 three, she only encouraged me to beleiveing what ever i thought??
so i can not see how there are 5 influencian people in my life that determins who i am today i only count 2
that is the delemia with my situation and ur post
it's still a great post though mrs M
pammy
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
Pop Rock Factory
The seven critical choices aspect of life is one that continually dogs us - isn't it?
We all have to live with them and move on.
In essence I guess these choices all come as a result of some defining moment and are based on the pivotal people in our lives.
None of the above are mutally exclusive - but a colour hybrid of one another.
Nice thought provoking post.
Stay well.
MNG
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
That's the one that has left me paralised so many times in my life ... stranded too, because although I know that almost nothing is irreversable, well... some things take such effort to reverse..especially the longer you travel down the 'wrong' path?
How can you travel down a wrong path, if everything is unfolding exactly as it should?
I have to agree with MNG, the influence of people is probably easier to deal with and work through than the "wrong' choices we 'think' we have made along the way... and then we must ask ourselves, did we make these 'wrong' choices, BECAUSE of the negative (or positive) influence we recieved... enter self laothing for allowing all the negative stuff in... and so it goes...
Mr Phil has his place and I agree with Mis, his common sense is sometimes dazzling (certainly relaxing)... but truly (for me too)... only in small doses (like my extended family)...*chuckle* if at all.
As for my family and minimising my influence (which is huge)... gosh, help... I just try to be honest as much as possible and teach them to go with the flow as often as possible - especially when confused about certain things... "just wait." I advise, but that is an influence too, isn't it? So, in essence I guess I try to make my influence a positive one, since it is obvious I have to generate one ... and that the influence I generate does not have to contain the bad seeds of those my parents placed upon me???
(not completely sure on this one, still in experimental stages... will see how the kids turn out .. eek!)
Another grounding post Mrs M, love 'em.
Hope all is well with you all,
Lilla ...
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
You can always find good bits of truth in anything, and Dr Phil does alright. The reasoning here is fantastic, but it has to be considered there will probably be more 'moments' 'choices' and 'people' in the length of a persons life. Its good to cut it down to a manageable number, but really, I think we can name more.
And its the things we dont expect to make an impact that are usually the most remembered! Even to ourselves!
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Reading your comment, you remind me of me. I got my dad's stubborn streak, my sister got his temper. But, like you with your step mother, I also wanted to be the opposite of my dad; hence probably makes him a very big influence.
I think maybe people just reinforce personality traits that we already had. I always like to be challenged by people but it took a HR manager I had in my early 20's to tell me that if I get married I need to marry someone "smarter" than me to challenge me otherwise I'd get bored.
I never forgot that advice and to tell you the truth, it's what I did. Lucky for me Mr M thinks I'm smart too otherwise he'd be bored. But I never realised that about myself until someone told me.
Thanks for visit Pammy, I really enjoy reading your comments.
Hi MNG,
I agree that it is all one big melting pot.
Also I think that some decisions, in hindsight appear to be a critical decision, was merely a chance decision.
Fascinating stuff though. Even if it does give me a headache
Hi Lilla,
I knew this post would peak your interest
I'm very conscious of the influence I'll have on my kids and the opinions they'll form because of me.
Actually, the first article I had published was about disciplining a toddler. Well a reader wrote a letter to the editor saying how much she enjoyed the article and was going to put my 'advice' to use. I pannicked. I couldn't take the responsibility. I could wind up as one of the above for this woman. Eek.
I don't know what is a 'wrong path'. The older I get the less I believe there is a 'wrong path'. I know that still get nervous when I have to ring an editor to pitch an idea; I do doubt my abilities and I know that it is my father's influence; but in some backward way it makes me a stronger person because i persevere.
My sister however still runs and hides. But at some point, you need to take responsibility for what is happening.
Maybe I was always destined to be 'strong' (if I do say so myself...and modest) just the journey was different. Does that make is a wrong path? I suppose then you would say that the ends justifies the means and we all know that that's not true.
Also, these moments, decisions and people will change.
Hi Kleo,
Also, apparently Dr Phil really isn't a doctor. He a psychologist so not a doctor because he can't prescribe medication like a psychiatrist can. Tricky.
Thanks everyone for the visit and the comments.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Anonymous
Hey Smurf.
You make some good points, I call BS on this one.
Nothing of quality in life comes from fighting your faults. It's hopeless. You got em, they suck, forget about it.
The good stuff lies in leveraging strengths. Embracing the great beats the crap out feeding attention to a negative.
You're a great mum, because you have a deeply practically way of thinking about it. So have at it!
Carpe Diem
Lach.
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
That's good.
And what do you mean I make "some" good points?
At the very least I know I"ll go to the grave knowing that I have this parenting caper a red hot go.
But I have found myself crapping on with those old cliches that I swore I'd never use
"I don't like saying things because I like the sound of my voice"
"I'm not doing this for my health"
"I'll cancel Christmas"
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Anonymous
Then again, if screwing up your kids heads is unavoidable anyhow, you might as well have some fun with it.
Kiddy pole dancing suddenly don't look so bad.
ha!
L
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
However, I tried to introduce "crazy mummy time" after 8pm to scare the kids to stay in bed...and they think it's a joke and laugh at me and deliberately stay awake to see crazy mummy.
Who is screwing with whose head here?
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Miswanderlust
Killer Beats
Ramble On
Hipnotherapy
Like you...I must "hear" other expert voices regarding these matters. Great Post!
Mis
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M