Mrs M
yoda76My legacy for our future part 2 (of 3)
November 23rd 2006 01:03
Reflecting on my own upbringing I can see that my father was an extreme case of old fashioned. He didn’t believe there was anything wrong with the way he and my mother structured the family house. My parent’s roles in the household were clearly defined and mutually exclusive.
My father never taught me how to mow the lawn, change a tire or worry about getting a good enough job to support a family. My brother was never taught how to iron a shirt, cook a meal or combat a fever. And therein lies the problem. Never before have the roles of men and women, mothers and fathers been more unclear. Men, today, do need to know how to combat a fever because the woman might be the one out in the work force “supporting” the family.
It is apparent to me now that my mother didn’t agree with the structure of her household. Although she didn’t change it for herself, she did ensure that when I would become a mother things would be different in my household. And effectively engineered a new style of parenting. But parents today are traveling blind. These are new rules that we are playing by and we have yet to finalise the game play.
The divisions of labour in the household are slowly becoming blurred but we find that working mothers still do the majority of housework. Why is that? Change is slow. It is not sufficient for women alone to realise that they are not required to do all the housework; men also need to realise that the women are not required to do all the housework.
Culturally up until recently, men in Spain didn’t lift a finger to help with the housework. As boys they were never taught or encouraged. These boys grew up to be men that didn’t know how to keep house and, worse still, didn’t care to know. So as of late 2005 it became law in Spain that couples who marry in a civil ceremony need to sign a contract stating that each will do 50% of the housework. This seems like a rather radical and hard-line approach, to force men to participate in housework. Or it may be a stroke of foresight genius. If doing the housework is purely habitual, then surely for the next generations it will be second nature and ultimately it will not have to be policed.
Perhaps this is the answer.
My father, still to this day, is old school parenting; he wasn’t terribly involved in the everyday routine of raising children. He worked, paid bills, put food on the table and kept a roof over our head. To him, that was what was expected of him and he performed up to par. For my sons, I hope they will be involved in their children’s lives, not merely “provide” for their children’s lives as my father did.
Young males need to see the importance and positive impact of active parenting and household management. Dr Miriam Stoppard says, “To a baby her mother and father are interchangeable. The baby only knows parental love and care – it doesn’t matter who is doing the giving.”
Which now raises the question, is it effectual if only mothers urge their sons to actively participate in running the household and parenting? Absolutely not. Fathers need to advocate this viewpoint loudly and proudly otherwise convincing our sons the importance of the ‘Parenting Holy Trinity’ might be compromised.
As Dr Miriam Stoppard says, “A son will grow up feeling comfortable with the emotional side of his personality and he’ll follow his father’s lead in having a independent spirit unpressured by prevailing social mores. A daughter, of course, will seek out the same well balanced kind of men as her father – and that’s no bad thing.”
So if we impact our children now, the desired effect will come to the fore in the years to come.
Come back tomorrow for part 3
My father never taught me how to mow the lawn, change a tire or worry about getting a good enough job to support a family. My brother was never taught how to iron a shirt, cook a meal or combat a fever. And therein lies the problem. Never before have the roles of men and women, mothers and fathers been more unclear. Men, today, do need to know how to combat a fever because the woman might be the one out in the work force “supporting” the family.
It is apparent to me now that my mother didn’t agree with the structure of her household. Although she didn’t change it for herself, she did ensure that when I would become a mother things would be different in my household. And effectively engineered a new style of parenting. But parents today are traveling blind. These are new rules that we are playing by and we have yet to finalise the game play.
The divisions of labour in the household are slowly becoming blurred but we find that working mothers still do the majority of housework. Why is that? Change is slow. It is not sufficient for women alone to realise that they are not required to do all the housework; men also need to realise that the women are not required to do all the housework.
Culturally up until recently, men in Spain didn’t lift a finger to help with the housework. As boys they were never taught or encouraged. These boys grew up to be men that didn’t know how to keep house and, worse still, didn’t care to know. So as of late 2005 it became law in Spain that couples who marry in a civil ceremony need to sign a contract stating that each will do 50% of the housework. This seems like a rather radical and hard-line approach, to force men to participate in housework. Or it may be a stroke of foresight genius. If doing the housework is purely habitual, then surely for the next generations it will be second nature and ultimately it will not have to be policed.
Perhaps this is the answer.
My father, still to this day, is old school parenting; he wasn’t terribly involved in the everyday routine of raising children. He worked, paid bills, put food on the table and kept a roof over our head. To him, that was what was expected of him and he performed up to par. For my sons, I hope they will be involved in their children’s lives, not merely “provide” for their children’s lives as my father did.
Young males need to see the importance and positive impact of active parenting and household management. Dr Miriam Stoppard says, “To a baby her mother and father are interchangeable. The baby only knows parental love and care – it doesn’t matter who is doing the giving.”
Which now raises the question, is it effectual if only mothers urge their sons to actively participate in running the household and parenting? Absolutely not. Fathers need to advocate this viewpoint loudly and proudly otherwise convincing our sons the importance of the ‘Parenting Holy Trinity’ might be compromised.
As Dr Miriam Stoppard says, “A son will grow up feeling comfortable with the emotional side of his personality and he’ll follow his father’s lead in having a independent spirit unpressured by prevailing social mores. A daughter, of course, will seek out the same well balanced kind of men as her father – and that’s no bad thing.”
So if we impact our children now, the desired effect will come to the fore in the years to come.
Come back tomorrow for part 3
| 92 |
| Vote |
Add To: 
subscribe to this blog
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Gender benders beware.
This is an excellent article, I do not agree that babies make no distiction between Mum and Dad.
Spain's 50% rule is disastrous. Some households are fussy about housework some are not.
Happy household with the couples talking about things, helping each other when the going gets tough etc, is more important than rules set by a Government. I shudder.
With not much respect for your female advocate but with heaps of respect for you, let's not turn men into women and women into men of indeed each into a hybrid of the two.
Happy hunting. There's no easy solution but valuing the contributions of each is the way to go.
Just how one goes about dealing with slobs is something else again, and there's plenty of those around.
I'm just glad I don't have to cope with the complexities that the young now have to face.
And of course, there' a whole pool of people out there who don't fall into any particular category. I'm sure you'll work it out, you sound like a lovely person to me and let's hope husband and the kids recognise that.
As Maurice Chevalier used to sing "i'm glad that I'm not young any more", with his delightful French accent, of course.
This answer is a post, in itself, isn't it?
When I get to really cutting back, I'll probably choose between three comments for everyone, good, bad or ugly.
katyzzz
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Thank you for your comments.
I do think alot and I still don't have the answers - I don't ever expect I will - that would be arrogant to think that. Life is always changing but what I simply can't do is accept things as they are presented and not question them. Always evaluate and discuss.
Love & stuff
Mrs M