Mrs M
yoda76DO YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN SEE YOU CRY?
December 29th 2006 00:50
Today I cried. It wasn’t the first time and it certainly won’t be the last. My daughter came into my room and saw me upset. She rubbed my shoulder and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t want to worry her and she five after all; she wouldn’t understand. It’s not her place to understand. Not yet.
It’s not the first time my daughter has seen me cry. I try to explain that I’m just a little sad and tired; and a little rest will help me feel better. I try to put into terms she understands; she can empathise with being a little sad and tired. I try to reassure her that in five minutes I will feel better. By I wonder if I should let her see me upset at all.
I rarely saw my mother upset; or sick for that matter. So when either of those happened I panicked; stressed you could say. My mother was my rock; far more than my father. If she wasn’t well or happy, what would happen to me? I didn’t know how to handle it.
Even as an adult it threw me. I remember seeing my mother cry when I was 21. My sister-in-law needed surgery to remove her appendix but she was pregnant at the time so obviously the surgery was not going to be simple. On the morning of the surgery I woke to find my mother in the lounge room crying. She feared for her daughter-in-law and her unborn grandchild. She feared for her son and her grandson. She feared for the whole family. Even herself. I didn’t know how to respond. I was used to looking to her for comfort; not the other way around.
I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve heard arguments that children need to see their parents experience the entire gamut of emotions. It will teach them about emotions, how to handle them and that they are normal. It sounds like a logical argument. But I’m not so sure. It seems foreign to me.
The last thing I would want to do is stress my children; make them feel vulnerable and unsure.
I see my mother now and she still tries to hide her emotions. But I’m older and wiser now and I can “read” situations much better. My mother still puts my happiness ahead of her own. She still tries to shield me from the “bad” things life offers. But I’m no longer ignorant to what is going around me. I don’t think I have been negatively affected by how she handled her emotions (as you can see I have no problem having a cry when one is needed). But that’s not to say that how I see of myself and how others see me is the same.
My mother is still my rock even though logic dictates that our relationship has undergone a role reversal. It is my role now to be carer and protector. But still she will not cry in front of me.
I don’t know whether I should follow my mother’s example. I really don’t know.
It’s not the first time my daughter has seen me cry. I try to explain that I’m just a little sad and tired; and a little rest will help me feel better. I try to put into terms she understands; she can empathise with being a little sad and tired. I try to reassure her that in five minutes I will feel better. By I wonder if I should let her see me upset at all.
I rarely saw my mother upset; or sick for that matter. So when either of those happened I panicked; stressed you could say. My mother was my rock; far more than my father. If she wasn’t well or happy, what would happen to me? I didn’t know how to handle it.
Even as an adult it threw me. I remember seeing my mother cry when I was 21. My sister-in-law needed surgery to remove her appendix but she was pregnant at the time so obviously the surgery was not going to be simple. On the morning of the surgery I woke to find my mother in the lounge room crying. She feared for her daughter-in-law and her unborn grandchild. She feared for her son and her grandson. She feared for the whole family. Even herself. I didn’t know how to respond. I was used to looking to her for comfort; not the other way around.
I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve heard arguments that children need to see their parents experience the entire gamut of emotions. It will teach them about emotions, how to handle them and that they are normal. It sounds like a logical argument. But I’m not so sure. It seems foreign to me.
The last thing I would want to do is stress my children; make them feel vulnerable and unsure.
I see my mother now and she still tries to hide her emotions. But I’m older and wiser now and I can “read” situations much better. My mother still puts my happiness ahead of her own. She still tries to shield me from the “bad” things life offers. But I’m no longer ignorant to what is going around me. I don’t think I have been negatively affected by how she handled her emotions (as you can see I have no problem having a cry when one is needed). But that’s not to say that how I see of myself and how others see me is the same.
My mother is still my rock even though logic dictates that our relationship has undergone a role reversal. It is my role now to be carer and protector. But still she will not cry in front of me.
I don’t know whether I should follow my mother’s example. I really don’t know.
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Comment by Candice
At the same time, I think children should understand that we all experience feelings and emotion. I think you handled it pretty well from what you've said.
I don't think emotions should be hidden from children but I think it's okay for them to see a little anger or sadness in a safe way. Like you said, something like being tired or crying over a movie. Something that you can explain to your child and they can understand.
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Thanks for the comments. I've tried to teach my children that it's okay for them to be upset or angry or sad or happy. And it's okay for them to say so. It's very cute when my 3 year old pulls a face and says sternly "I'm upset!!"
But yeah, I realise how I handle my emotions is going to enormously impact my children.
If I saw my mother cry today I would struggle to comfort her. I don't know how to comfort her. I don't know what works best for her. That's just through a lack of practice perhaps. Who knows.
Thanks for the visit.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Manjula
I have to agree with candace...children need to know that their moms and other grown ups have all sorts of emotions includng sadness. They cannot grow up shielded and then not know how to deal with it when they grow up
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Looking at it from an adult's perspective, what you say makes perfect sense.
Just thinking about myself when I was younger I know I wouldn't have coped.
But I do think you're right. The trick is finding out how much is too much.
Thanks for the visit.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
We weren't big on crying in our house. My mum used to cry if she received a nice card from us - "you don't mean it, she'd say" My dad and brothers never cried. I can't remember crying much.
My husband never cried, I rarely cried, remember when I cried after my children were being paticularly naughty after I'd had an operation on my foot and was pretty helpless, my 'about' 13 yr old daughter, said she was sorry and didn't mean to make me cry, it was a very odd event.
When they were growing up my son, aged about 7 cried and cried when his bird flew off when he was cleaning its cage, my youngest was a crier from early on and regularly, so I guess it's somewhat in the genes. Funny these things, I shed tears over a sad movie.
All in all I rarely cry. Hope all that was a little helpful, we were big on shouting and screaming ...not nice...
katyzzz
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
My father was big on the "get over it" school of thought. So we never did my crying in front of him.
Maybe you're onto something. Maybe it is in the genes.
Thanks for sharing your stories on this post and others. Everyone has a story, and it's always an interesting one.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Yes, I let my children see me cry. It doesn't happen a lot. I don't usually wallow in sadness enough to cry but I think it's healthy for kids to see all emotions from their parents. It makes them feel normal when they are feeling that way. They deal better with emotions, I think, when they have seen it in the home.
Voices~
Comment by dswhite
Age is Just a Number
It's all been said ably by Voices et al. In moderation you do your children a world of good showing them the "model" of how to express feelings in a healthy manner.
Great thought! Gives me an idea for my blog too... LOL.
The joy of reading!
Wishing you and yours a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!
Peace,
Dee
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
No, not openly until recently, when the need for me to cry was overpowering and I couldn't hold back twice in one week... the bucket had grown full in 15 years... They seemed shocked, but comforted also....
I think it's important for mum's not to cry all the time, but when you have a strong need, I think it's also important for them to see that you can be honest to yourself and then pick yourself up and dust yourself off just as easily.
I guess I feel that you teach that life is hard sometimes, but they do not have the seeds of a quitter in them... there is sunshine after a storm...
Maybe I am too idealistic, but that is my view...and I'm left thinking that you wouldn't have this dilema in the first place if your mum had cried once or twice?
My intuition says ... take it as it comes... cry if you must, but do not become a cry baby, what would you want in an ideal mother?
Lilla...
ps M, we are closer now as a result... but I had to let go a little on the reins since crying... maybe that's the stand off here?
Comment by Brian
Comment by Hope
Gifted Parenting
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Crying and laughing and all those other things are all part of the way we communicate with each other. We can cry when we're happy, angry or sad, sometimes we laugh to cover the tears of pain or sorrow.
In many modern households communication is not as good as it should be and maybe part of the problem is this major effort we all go through to hide our emotions.
Whether you cry in front of your children is a personal decision and explaining it in terms they can comprehend is important, as you did. I also think it's important to show them how you deal with the aftermath of your tears. How you then 'get on with things' after feeling sad or in pain.
By learning that tears aren't the end, they are just the beginning of a healing process that can be quick or slow depending on the situation, children can learn to appreciate their own emotions and how to deal with them.
However, I also agree with Lilla ... you don't have to share everything with your children. Some tears are designed to be seen by the cryer alone.
Great question, Mrs M.
A.H.
Comment by Theresa
Vintage Culture
Technology Bloggers
Today's World
Anonymous Film Critic
Borderless World
Penny Smart
This has just been coming up with the Grandchildren. Not crying exactly, as just all emotions. Especially if there's a television show for adults, with yelling in it, and the kids (under 3) come in.
If people are yelling in the show my oldest grandson comes in saying "Uh oh".
I try telling him it isn't real, though that's not working too well. My daughter and son-in-law often change the channel so he won't be confused. The yelling just stops him cold in his steps.
Oddly, he doesn't notice crying much. He might say "Oh", then he goes and gets a tractor to play with.
I find most everything, with both grandsons, can be fixed with a hug right now. If only this would last a few more years.....
Comment by Optomistic Opportunism
Bohemian Hiphop
Japanese Jazz Funk
Optomystic Opportunism
As long as your not crying over little mishaps, everything is fine, methinks
Comment by David my David
The best and cheapest therapy on earth ...
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Hi Voices,
Thanks for your comments. You make alot of sense. I've been thinking about it more and more since I wrote this post and I'm starting to lean towards the "crying is okay" argument.
Hi Dee,
Have to come over to your blog and have a read of your idea. Thanks for your comments.
Hi Lilla,
You make some very interesting points. I especially like they do not have the seeds of a quitter in them Ultimately that's what I want to teach my children. I can see how crying would bring you closer to your children and vice versa. It does take the relationship to a new level doesn't it?
Hi Brian,
I like the idea that your children will be your comforter...later in life. I suppose with regards to my mum I feel like a bit of a gumby because I don't know what it is like to be 70 so I'm not sure I would have anything constructive to say. But that's my issue. My mother may indeed see it differently.
Hi Hope,
I'm like you. I don't intend to cry in front of my kids that just seem to know, or walk in when I am. I just don't want to shock them I suppose.
Hi Andrea,
Communication is pivotal. Growing up my parents definitely kept a divide between parents and children.
learning that tears aren't the end, they are just the beginning of a healing process Excellent comment.
I don't think I will become a cry baby. My parents taught us to just get on with it when things went wrong. As a consequence I find that sometimes I have trouble dealing with very sensitive people. I just don't what to say.
Hi Theresa,
Thanks for the comments. I think you're onto something there about the hugs. I love hugs.
Hi Optomistic Opportunism,
Interesting comments. Seeing your parents cry made you feel more comfortable with crying yourself.
Nice to know even when I'm feeling down I doing good
Lastly, David my David,
Couldn't agree with you more.
Thank you all so much for commenting and visiting. You have certainly all given more food for thought. Thanks.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I just wanted to comment from a child`s point of view as opposed to a parents point of view. I think it`s important that a parent be open with their child - it works both ways. If a parent wants a child to be open and express themselves with their parents then they too, should be open and express themselves with their child. (obviously this works in moderation because there are some things that a child does not need to be involved in).
It is also good to show strength though, because a child needs to be able to look up to their parent as a pillar of strength as well as a shoulder to cry on. Balance is the answer I think - don`t hide it, yet don`t go overboard.
What you did was good - it showed your daughter that it is ok to be emotional and sometimes in life there are good and bad things.
Tears are healing things, an outlet for our emotions and should not be something that is hidden.
Have a great day
Ash
Comment by dswhite
Age is Just a Number
Here's the link to my post, Do You Let Your Parents See You Cry?
Thanks for the writing prompt.
Peace,
Dee
Comment by Sandi
Comment by MelissaA
Fun Facts
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Thanks for your view. What you say is so obvious. Model the behaviour you want to teach your children. So simple. Excellent.
Hi Dee,
Going to have a look now.
Hi Sandi,
No shame in crying. I think you've nailed it. Shame shouldn't even come into it when we are talking about emotions. Thanks for that.
Hi MelissaA,
It sounds like you're kids are doing okay with seeing you cry. It's good to know they won't be scarred.
Thanks for the visit everyone and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Wendi
I believe it would be wrong to expose my children to my tears if those tears were a result of severe depression - the kind of tears that cannot be kissed or loved away, or the kind of tears that make a person want to be completely alone to hide under the covers with the blinds closed. Endless tears... Those tears are different... but the real life, genuine, uh-oh tears are able to be shared. It's natural.
I've even taken it to the point where I have semi-regular cry days... those times when life's pressures mount and I just need to let it out. "What's wrong, Mamma?"... "Nothing, really. I'm just having a cry day."
It works. But then, my kids are older, now, too. Even still, I didn't hide my tears when they were small. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but that's how I do it.
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
I think that you're right on the money. It's important to let your kids see that expressing emotion is okay....all emotions, not just happiness.
I don't really remember my mum crying much growing up. We were all pretty happy mostly (thankfully not too much yellling and fighting either). I remember that when my mum went back to uni to study, she had to do a work placement and the woman in charge was so awful to her that mum cried when she drove home from work. I remember being so angry that someone would upset my normally so placid mother so much that they made her cry. Honestly if I'd seen that woman I would have torn her to shreds!!
I think the fact that you even think about things like this and the effect it has on your kids means that you must be a good mother!
KylieW
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Really well written and explained comment. Thank you very much. You make a lot of sense. I love this comment: being grown up does NOT mean being beyond tears.
Hi KylieW,
It's so interesting that you mention about being protective of your mother. Everyone is like that aren't they? I like the point of view you have taken. Food for thought.
Many thanks for the visit ladies.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
As for my 'kids?" Babies never see me cry(like new duckie) the infants dont need that sort of thing around them. A moment of weakness in front of the colt can mean instant death - I have an extremely high pain threshold. Once I slammed my finger in the cash drawer at work and didnt even notice but all my female customers were practically fainting. One said "No pain no brain?" which I found incredibly insulting - Ive worked hard to maintain this threshold - if the colt slams my foot or headbuts or bites or kicks I cant collapse on the ground, Ive got to hit him back - hard!
By the same token, hes growing up now, and always has a ready cuddle....And my eldest 'daughter' Xiara (cat) is always there to comfort me.
Confusing question.
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
That is rude.
Absolutely.
The other day we were supposed to get a family portrait but my youngest wouldn't settle down and just when he did, my other son started to act up. So in the end, we just left, no portrait taken.
I was really upset because these family portraits mean a lot to me. I didn't cry but my 6 year old daughter could see that I was upset.
Anyway, she and Mr M went to the shops for some bread and came back with flowers to cheer me up. It was all her idea to buy the flowers.
So she can see that being upset isn't the end of the world but I'm sure if I did it everyday she'd start to panic.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Its funny, ever since she was a kitten Xiara has been especially sympathetic to my moods and desperate to comfort me. With the horses, you have to be the toughest herd member because respect = love. Zayfir is more mature than the others - I can go down feeling sick or depressed and he doesnt take advantage like his older brothers do. For 15 month old boy with balls, thats really amazing!
Its nice when your kids are mature enough to comfort you!
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I remember thinking I could hold my own with adults when I was about 8.
I really miss having cats. My 4 year old has eczema and I have to wait until he grows out of it before I can have pets otherwise his eczema will turn into an allergy.
When my daughter was a baby we used to have a German Shepherd and I was looking at photos of the two of them together....I really miss having a pet.
I love how you talk about your children
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
My most motherly moment yet? When Wist ate....And pooped! Oh, what a moment! Hooray! Alls well, she can eat AND poop! Wow, shes SO talented! Only been out of the egg 6 hours AND SHE CAN POOP!
Oh, and Zayfir getting his balls down at the end of last year was pretty exciting too. I think it went something like - "Oh, my God, Im so proud!" *wipes tears* "My boys got all his bits!"
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
We need to watch a human babies bowel movements and the amount of urine in the first few days of life to make sure everything is alright.
And they check boys to make sure their "bits" are down.
It's the same.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Anonymous
We should never blame someone or something (tired, sick, etc.) for our crying because that would be teaching our child how to externalize blame, By identifying and ack acknowledging our feelings we take personal responsibility for our behavior. A child who is exposed to a chronic excuse-making environment is at greater risk of becoming a maladjusted adult.
A summary list, then: 1) identify the emotion 2) explain you may need 5 minutes to sort it out 3) demonstrate to the child how you work to acknowledge your feelings (no excuses) and how you're moving on.
If you make excuses for your behavior, you not only shift responsibility to someone or something else but you assign negative associations to tears because you're making excuses for the behavior.
Great inquiry, great group!
Cheers
Memoree
www.shootsie.com
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Great advice.
That's great. Thanks for that.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Anonymous
Kudos for asking the question! Look at the level of interest you continue to generate.
You've demonstrated an important step toward being a healthy parent, you are taking a risk by asking questions.
If my post causes you to look at things from another perspective, then we both benefit.
Warmly,
Memoree
www.shootsie.com